dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
