i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
The power of my boobs compel you
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