You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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