My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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