im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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