i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
