Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
