dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
