he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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