took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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