but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
