He asked to "fluff my boner.."
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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