she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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