woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Watching her eat just hurts me
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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