Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
