I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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