I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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