I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
