i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
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