this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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