I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
