You're my little dorito
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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