I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
