apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
