I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
