my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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