I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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