so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
