If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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