Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I'm really busy with my period
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