This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
