How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
