you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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