So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with βHe misses youβ
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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