Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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