all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
