I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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