DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
