Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
