i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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