We named our party play list daddy issues
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
