now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I looked at my own cervix.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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