I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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