I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
