K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
