I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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