i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
