I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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