My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
