Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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